LONDON SURVIVAL GUIDE

FROM CHANNEL 4

London's size and growth rate has now reached danger point. Officially its population is 7.3 million, inhabiting an area of 174 sq km. But these figures mask a more alarming truth. London has secretly spread far beyond its official limits, and continues to move out into the countryside.

London is no longer just a place. It's a state of mind. And Londoners are waging an undeclared war on the rest of the population. They use subtle but highly toxic lifestyle weapons. In a short time these can weaken an entire locality and lead to complete Londonisation: traffic gridlock, street crime, overpriced shopping enclaves, and a population obsessed with schools, fashionable bars and art shows.



These are some of the things to look out for:

Shiny 4x4 vehicles. But beware: these days some Londoners try to pass as locals by splashing their 4x4s with mud and putting a dog inside. Don't be fooled ndash; local 4x4s have dents, loose pages of classified ads and Tizer cans. Panini ndash; Italian-style bread, on sale instead of sandwiches or baps. Professional dog walkers, usually out with four to eight dogs, talking on mobiles while dogs half strangle themselves on their tangled extension leads and defecate on each other. Aggressive cyclists in pollution masks. Book groups. Sunglasses worn pushed up on head. Road rage, especially when held up briefly by bus for disabled. Ayurvedic massage oils on sale in the local Spar shop.